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<title>i wonder when i love me is enough (when will it be enough?) by mamalovesherbagels</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24684799">i wonder when i love me is enough (when will it be enough?)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels'>mamalovesherbagels</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>anyway, continuation of my chimney having undiagnosed OCD universe, it all hits the breaking point, little tiny HINTS of POSSIBLE suicidal thoughts, my poor baby has a years in the making breakdown</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:40:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,653</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24684799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He's crazy. He's crazy, he thinks. That's the only possible explanation for why his mind is always attacking him, and why he's always full of anxiety. He can only fool everyone into thinking that he's not for so long.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i wonder when i love me is enough (when will it be enough?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Howard Han has tried his entire life to get on his own side. In some ways he’s succeeded-- when he found his calling, he ran toward it. When he found Maddie, he didn’t let her go.</p><p>In other ways, he’s failed miserably.</p><p>Everything is his fault. Everything. No matter how hard he tries to fight the thoughts that constantly swim around in his head, everything always ends up being his own fault. Even things that haven’t actually happened are his fault. When he’s so tired driving home from a twenty-four hour shift on autopilot, he almost, <i>almost</i> doesn’t realize that he’s about to run a red light- he brakes in time, and no one else is even on that road at 4 am, but it takes him days, no weeks, to let it go. What if he hadn’t noticed the light had changed? What if there was actually another car there and he just couldn’t see it because it was so dark? He tries to sleep when he gets home, but his mind won’t let him. Every time he’s close to drifting off, the thought of a single mother who doesn’t even exist having died and left behind her children jerks him wide awake. And it’s all because of him.</p><p>When he finds out a patient he and Hen saved, had <i>thought</i> they had saved, contracts an infection in the hospital, he replays that entire day he encountered him over and over in his mind. Had he washed his hands enough, and every single time that he should have? Had he worn his gloves? He thinks he does, he remembers that he does, but what if he’s just making that memory up to make himself feel better. The infection must have come from him and not the hospital.</p><p>“Was I wearing gloves the other day?”</p><p>“What?” </p><p>“The other day, when we were trying to stop the bleeding on that gunshot victim, and he made it but then he… was I wearing my gloves?”</p><p>“What?” she asks again, this time understanding the question but being absolutely confounded as to why he’s asking it.</p><p>“Uh, I don’t know,” she answers when he just stares at her expectantly, and maybe a little ashamed, “I assume you were. We both were; we always do. Why are you asking?”</p><p>“I-I don’t know. Forget it,” he says quickly, because of <i>course</i> she doesn’t understand. Hen always does everything correctly, and Hen always knows how to let go.</p><p>“Chimney, wait, come back--” she starts, but he’s already rushing to be as far away as he can be from her while still being within the walls of the firehouse. Running away from work during his shift would be messing things up far too badly, even for <i>him</i>.</p><p>Hen’s worried though, and very confused, and she follows him. Careful to be far behind enough from him that he doesn’t realize she’s followed him until it’s too late. He’s sitting on the bench, sees her coming, and knows trying to put distance between them again would be pointless.</p><p>“You don’t seem okay today,” she says quietly, taking a seat next to him, “you’ve been jumpy and tense since our shift started.”</p><p>He ran over a hole in the road on his way into work that morning. Except he had to go back and check, driving back and forth in a stupid fucking loop so many times he was almost late to work to make sure it was actually a bump in the road and not a human being. And he’s still not even thoroughly convinced.</p><p>“And now…” she continues, craning her head to try and meet her eye, “and now I think you’re trying to blame yourself for someone dying of an infection?”</p><p>“I-I’m not…” he stammers, “I’m fine.”</p><p>“You’re not,” she says firmly, but with a certain gentleness- the kind she usually reserves for Denny and Karen and Nia.</p><p>“Hen, I don’t… I don’t feel good.”</p><p>Her hand goes to his forehead on instinct, but she knows that most likely isn’t what he means.</p><p>“No,” he says, shaking off her hand, “not that kind.”</p><p>“Okay,” she replies, faking calmness when there’s this <i>feeling</i>, just this feeling inside of her telling her to be on edge, that her best friend is fighting something deep inside of him, “so tell me what kind of not feeling good.”</p><p>“I can’t,” is his immediate reply, because really, he can’t. How is he supposed to… how is he even supposed to begin to explain to his best friend that he’s <i>crazy</i>? That something inside of him just broke and has only continued to splinter more and more pieces off inside of him ever since his mother’s cancer diagnosis? He’s never spoken to anyone about it, well, anyone besides one person. But Kevin is dead, and that makes him as good as no one.</p><p>He shudders, trying to will the memory of one of the worst nights of his life away. He doesn’t need that right now. He can’t feel that right now. Not when Hen is sitting right there next to him and he’s already about five seconds from losing control and breaking down.</p><p>“Why can’t you?” she asks carefully, and if she’s feeling frustrated, he can’t see it on her face. It’s one of his favorite things about Hen; her patience. Usually it’s one of his favorite things about her. Right now he just wants her to forget he even said anything and leave it alone.</p><p>Yeah, he knows that’s not happening.</p><p>“I just can’t,” is the best that he can think of.</p><p>“Could you tell Maddie?” is her next question, “or Bobby, or a therapist, or anyone?”</p><p>He almost chokes at the suggestion of telling Maddie, his beautiful, smart, perfect, <i>well-adjusted</i> pregnant girlfriend that he’s actually fucking insane, and he’s just managed to fool her into thinking that she’s dating a normal person.</p><p>“It’s not a big deal. I’m fine, I’m just… tired, is all. Tired.”</p><p>“You’re lying, that’s not all there is to it, but you do look tired.”</p><p>“Thanks,” he says flatly, and while Hen doesn’t flinch, he does.</p><p>He loathes it, loathes himself, loathes that he’s snapped at her when she’s just trying to help. But she doesn’t <i>get it</i>, doesn’t get what it’s like to be crazy, to always mess things up, and she doesn’t get how scary the prospect of someone actually figuring him out is. He needs her to stop talking, he needs her to leave him alone, he needs her to stop.</p><p>“What’s wrong, honey? Tell me so I can help--”</p><p>“No!” he shouts, <i>years</i> of tension and pain and undealt with anxiety reaching its boiling point, “no, no you can’t help! No one can help because no one understands! No one ever could because I’m fucking crazy, Hen, and you all would be better off without me! You, Bobby, Eddie, Buck, <i>Maddie</i>. Everyone. So just realize that and leave me alone!”</p><p>His yelling reverberates throughout the station, and so does the ensuing silence.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Then he hears a garden variety of footsteps running towards him. </p><p>Of fucking course.</p><p>The rage quickly turns into sheer, unadulterated panic.</p><p>“No,” he says shakily, sinking to his knees and hugging himself, “no, no, please. No one look at me, please.”</p><p>“Baby,” Hen coos, crouching down in front of him and waving his hand off when he tries to swat her away, “baby, look at me. We’re going to figure this out, okay? We’re going to figure this out.”</p><p>“No, no, no,” he gasps, shaking his head so hard he vaguely registers a pain in his neck, “alone, alone, alone.”</p><p>“Hen… what, what happened?” Eddie asks, followed by, “Buck, call your sister. NOW.” from Bobby.</p><p>“No one’s going to leave you alone right now, sweetheart,” Hen coos, shifting to sit at his side and then pull him into her arms, cradling him against her chest, “that’s not what you need.”</p><p>“It is, it i-is,” he cries, struggling weakly against Hen’s sturdy arms, “you c-can’t- you don’t g-get it!”</p><p>“So help me get it,” she murmurs, pressing a kiss into his cheek, “I’m smart. If you explain it to me, I’ll understand.”</p><p>“No, n-no, no! This is all w-wrong. <i>I-I’m</i> all wrong.”</p><p>“Why… why is he saying all this?” Eddie whispers in horror, “what does any of it even mean? What is he even <i>saying</i>?”</p><p>“Chimney? Chimney, it’s okay,” Bobby says soothingly, speaking in a way that he used to use with his kids, “you’re going to be okay. We’ve got you. We’re your family, okay? We’re your family and we’re right here.”</p><p>“This is a m-mistake. I’m a mistake,” Chimney sobs, and Hen can’t hold back her own tears any longer.</p><p>“I love you,” she hums, sniffling a bit as she gently rocks him back and forth, “I love you, Chimney. We all do.”</p><p>“Chim? Buddy?” Buck calls hesitantly, rushing back over toward them, and fuck, he’s also crying, “Chimney, I’ve got Maddie on the phone. She’s on her way over but she wants to talk to you right now, too.”</p><p>“N-no!” he shrieks, “no, she c-can’t… she can’t see m-me like this.”</p><p>“I love you, Howie,” she coos over speaker, and god damn it, he can hear that he’s made another person cry, “I love you no matter what, and no matter what you’re feeling, and I’m going to come over and try to make it better, okay?”</p><p>“No, no. D-deserve better.”</p><p>“No, no, not at all. You’re the love of my life. You’re the love of my life and we’ll get you feeling better, I promise. Whatever it is that you’re feeling, it’s not going to last forever.”</p><p>Her words are sweet, but he just can’t bring himself to believe her. The way everyone is looking at him, the way everyone is crying… he just doesn’t see how he could possibly come back from this. He can’t see anyway how.</p>
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